Picnic Table Julio




THIS PAGE IS DEDICATED TO JULIO DIAZ
Julio: If you ever read this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for having been a part of my life because you, fat ass, have provided hours and hours of endless amusement!!!! Thanks.
-Jason Wilson

Wow, I don't even know where to being with PT Julio - there are just so many good stores involving this gay piece of shit. I suppose it will be most appropriate to start with a short description, then I will explain the origins of his hilarious name.

Julio is fat. I mean he is disgustingly fat, not just because he's overweight but more because of the way he carries himself; the guy has a fat demeanor. Oh, and he's also incredibly gay - of course he doesn't think he's gay, but everyone else knows he's gay. The guys even married, to a women! But he has had plenty of anal episodes with other dirty boys, including blockbuster boy who was really into Madonna. When Julio lived with Nann and Kristen, blockbuster boy and Julio would get it on inside the apartment. Anyway, Julio is not only fat and gay - he's also hairy and smelly. I hope this gives you some idea of what were dealing with - a slug has muscular definition and tone compared to Julio Diaz

The Origin of "Picnic Table" Julio Soon after Julio graduated high school he decided to go on a trip to visit a friend. He jumped in his car and began heading north on I-75. Sometime on this trip Julio stopped at a rest stop to urinate. While standing at an urinal a man at the next urinal looked over at Julio and made eye contact. While their eyes were locked, the man slid his hands down to Julio's unit. Now, most of us would probably become a bit violent at this point. But, not Julio. Instead Julio allowed the man to fondle him. After a moment of this, the man asked Julio if he would like to adjourn to a picnic table in the woods of the rest stop. Did Julio run screaming at this point? God No. He said "sure" and the two went to the picnic table. Okay, here's where details get a little sketchy. The most commonly reported story is the Julio and the man engaged in oral sex with both of them receiving and giving. However, reliable sources (Carmen) have stated that Julio has confided that anal sex, with Julio as the receiver, is actually what went on at the Picnic Table on that fine day.
The Islands of Guyana and Poop on the Toilet was 17. I had no place to live - I was staying at Ashley's mom's house - and believe me, this is no place to live. So, the point is that I was desperate and needed a roommate - a roommate with a credit history. So when Julio told me he would move in with Ashley and me, I agreed, mostly because Julio had some credit and had lived in apartments before since he is 5 years older than me. Anyway, I am saying all of this because I don't want to have to answer the question of what I was thinking after I tell you the following story -

One month, while Julio was living with Nann and Kristen, they received an exceptionally large phone bill - more than $500. The majority of these calls were made to the Island of Guyana. Kristen told Julio about the bill and Julio said that he would call the phone company and take care of it. Kristen assumed the charges were a mistake and let Julio take care of it. A month passed and another phone bill arrived. Surprise! Same thing! More calls to Guyana. This time Nann and Kristen called the number - it was a sex-line based out of Guyana!
Poopy Toilet Julio Um, I don't think I need to say much about this - Julio consistently poops on the toilet seat. This would, obviously, infuriate Nann and Kristen so much that they would directly tell him to stop doing it. One time, they even went into Julio's room while he had a date over and told him to stop pooping on the toilet seat!
Butter-Lube Julio
Julio and Liz wanted to have anal sex. They had no lubricant so Julio used butter.
Julio and St. James Place
Okay, I think by now it should be clear why one wouldn't want to live with Julio. But the decision had been made and the lease was signed. So now, I had to deal with the disgusting habits of PT Julio and, in return, he had to deal with the vengeance of me and Jeff. The main problem was that St. James Place Apartments has a dumb gate where visitors have to call the resident in order to gain access. However, Julio, who has no friends, was always on the internet, chatting with his future wife. This left the phone line constantly busy. Since Julio is, by nature, disgusting, the area that Julio occupied the most in the apartment (a computer in the dining area near the living room) was consistently dirty. Not to mention the repulsiveness of Julio's computer itself (the Clerk's sound scheme was only the beginning). Anyway, all the problems simply mounted and we needed to get back at the inconsiderate pig. So we decided his precious computer was the best source. First, we recorded new sounds designed to place the Clerk's quotes. Things like "I'm a big fat ass" and "Julio is a fag", seemed a lot more appropriate. Jeff and I recorded these sounds and then set them to play during different windows events (start-up, shut down, etc). Now, you might be saying to yourself that he could just go and change them back -but, oh no my friend, we are much more clever than that. We set all of the sound files to read only so that Julio could not change them, unless he knew how to change file attributions (which he didn't)! We also took the mouse ball out of the mouse and filled it with salt. Why? Because the fat ass poured salt all over everything! It was everywhere on that table and it stuck to you when you sat down. So we filled the entire mouse with table salt! We were also good at confusing Julio. One time Jeff really messed with his mind
"he had some .chk files from running the old chkdsk (prior to even Scandisk) command. I told him it was a virus so I had the software at home to erase it. so I threw together a batch file, compiled it in to a .com file and threw some dos files on the disk to make it convincing, it just typed messages on the screen, then paused it, and after like an hour it erased the .chk files. Trying to repair - 5 minutes go by FAILED Attempting file transfer - after 10 minutes FAILED Checking drive integrity - 5 minutes - CORRUPTED that kind of thing, for like an hour before it had like ATTEMPTING RECOVERY - SUCCESS - Virus Removed" -Jeff Miller
Lobster Dinner One night, Gayboy, Jeff, Julie, and I had a lobster dinner. After we were through eating we took the lobster carcasses and covered Julio's car in them. It was great! Little lobster heads on the antennae and the fenders. Absolutely wonderful
Firecrackers Christy brought over some firecrackers once and they sat in my room for months. One morning Justin woke up and woke me up. He told me to be quiet and listen - "chomp, chomp, chomp....slurp, chomp". It was the sound of Julio eating! He would always make these huge pots of spaghetti or macaroni and cheese and sit at his computer chewing down, using the wooden stir spoon and eating straight from the large pot. -food and salt flying everywhere. The way the apartment was set up, you could go into the hallway of the second floor and look down from the landing into the dining area where fat ass liked to sit. On this particular morning, Justin and I sat staring at him for awhile and then Justin remembered the firecrackers. We grabbed them off the wall that they were hanging on and, while I lit them, Justin tossed them right at Julio! He sort of jumped at the first explosion and made this funny little sound but he never looked up at us and didn't say a word. He tried so hard to ignore the other three or four firecrackers that were pelted at him.
Hardcore Julio Night Since Julio was always in the dining area, he was also very near the communal living room area. He was therefore a prime target for everyone who came over! One of the best ways to celebrate the large target was to have an entire night dedicated to his existence. HARDCORE JULIO NIGHT! What is HJN, you ask? Well, first involved taking the Tennessee guitar and plugging it into the Kenwood Receiver that sat downstairs by Ashley's TV. Then we would turn it up and try not blowing the speakers (this also worked by plugging the guitar directly into Julio's soundcard, where we didn't care if we blew anything out). Then Justin would play the guitar (usually outside by the front door, really loud!) and we would dance in a circle around Julio, trying to kick him and chanting "Hardcore Julio". Every Tuesday night at St. James Place, Apt. 12708 Grassy Key Court.

Julio Tours
When my friends would come over, I would give them tours of Julio's room and living spaces to show them what I had to deal with. The tour included the stained underwear on the floor, the back hair that coated the bathtub, and, of course, the poop on the toilet seat!
The Llama Julio was always very disoriented when he was tired or just waking up. Jeff and I decided that the perfect thing to do would be to buy a llama and put it in Julio's shower so that he would go to take a shower one morning, pull back the curtain, get in the tub, notice that there was a llama standing next to him and say to himself "oh, a llama". It would take awhile for him to react. Unfortunately it never happened!